life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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