well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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