this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
