Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
