if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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