I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
