first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The air was thick with penises
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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