Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
