I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
