I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
