Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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