my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
