That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
