Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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