I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
