You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
