Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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