you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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