she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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