I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
