I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
