I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
