There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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