I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize