I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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