you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize