sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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