I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
