so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
