Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
