i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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