here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
