im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
