hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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