You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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