Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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