so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
