This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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