I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
