When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
