im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
