Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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