Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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