I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
