If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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