Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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