Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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