I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We don't watch enough power rangers
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
