News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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