Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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