Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize