Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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