I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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