i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
