I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
