First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
